Are you ready for a rambling stream of consciousness?
As I begin to type this, it’s 3:40 AM. Tomorrow night my family is leaving for vacation in Florida.
And instead I’m sitting awake thinking about some stupid fandom drama that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things (except in the ways that it does, but this post really isn’t about that).
My name is Bryan Hauser, and I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Dateline: Disney’s Animal Kingdom, 2011(?). My dad sits with me outside of Dinosaur! as I have another in a line of panic attacks. I’m thinking about my own death again. My dad tries to calm me down to no avail. Eventually it subsides. For a little while. Soon enough it’ll be back on my mind again. Terrified of what happens after I’m gone, and that time is passing so quickly.
Something that should be known about me is that I am absolutely not what most people might think of when they think of OCD. I don’t obsessively wash my hands or keep everything orderly. God knows that my desk is a bit of a mess. But I do obsess, quite a lot, and in a couple of different ways.
Recently, I broke my old laptop in an ill-advised attempt to fix a mistake made in an ill-advised attempt to clear out dust from the fans. Of course, the consequences of this were all my fault and by God would I let myself know about it. In my brain, it’s my fault that my dad had to help me pick up a new laptop, and it’s my fault that I’m going to have to start anew despite my old computer working just fine. Now replay those two thoughts repeatedly despite my better efforts and you have my brain in a nutshell.
Oh, and also I apologized to the computer, just in case it had feelings.
See, that’s the other fun part about having OCD. For whatever reason, I can’t help but think of certain objects in terms of them having feelings and emotions. When I replaced my Fire Stick with the newer model I felt really bad for the old one that still worked because it was out of a job. When I get a new gadget of some sort I have a small amount of nervousness as it gets acquainted with my personality and usage style. In case you forgot, I’m referring to the feelings and thoughts of inanimate objects. The most maddening part of all of this is that I’m well aware of the fact that objects cannot “think”, and yet I still worry anyway.
Then we get to Internet drama. Internet drama is the one sort of thing that makes my OCD go into overdrive. Generally the thought process goes something like this:
- “Oh lord, this is dumb. I think I’d best avoid it.”
- “But now I gotta go take a look at it to see what’s up. This stuff seems important.”
- “Oh my god these people who I should agree with are kinda being jerks, so are these other guys.”
- “This infuriates me. I better go think of something else.”
- Return to step 2 until sleep patterns have been successfully interrupted.
Rinse, repeat. Because OCD. It seems that anger and annoyance are the types of things that keep my brain going in circles, which as you might be able to guess makes the entire predicament so absolutely frustrating. I want to stop thinking about this, but I can’t.
If there is a silver lining here, at the very least the particular obsession with death that ruined that particular vacation has subsided for the time being. I take medication for that now, but it can’t stave off the other obsessions when they come and go.
Anyway, I’m going to try and go back to sleep now.